Update: Elaine Vigneault has posted on this topic as well – she discusses the institution of marriage, social expectations of marriage, misogyny and more in her post.
Shakesville and feministing recently posted on the story of Mr. and Mrs. Bijon:
All Michael Buday wanted to do was take the last name of his wife, Diana Bijon, when they married in the US.
But it took two years, a lawsuit alleging sex discrimination and a change in California law before he picked up his new drivers license in the name of Michael Bijon on Monday…
…He discovered it would take a $US350 (A374) fee, court appearances, a public announcement and mounds of paperwork to make a change on his driving license that is routine for women who marry.
Congrad’s to Mr. and Mrs. Bijon!
I am not surprised this is still an issue for folks. My 5th wedding anniversary is just around the corner and I can’t help but think back to pre-wedding name conversations. I decided to keep my last name, rather than take my husband’s name. But my family was a little annoyed and seemed shocked by the decision.
The questions and grilling ensued – for instance friends and family asked:
- Don’t you want to show unity?
- What will people think of you?
- What about your future children? Won’t they be confused?
- Well your name is still patriarchal – does it really matter?
“Oi” is all I can say about these questions. I offered feminist 101 perspectives on why I chose to keep my name. But even now, some family members and friends seem to have some kind of cognitive dissociation going on with my name. It has been almost 5 years and I still get letters addressed to “Mrs. Smith,” rather than “Ms. RowdyKitten.”
I am in full agreement with Kate Harding analysis of the name changing dilemma most women face (emphasis mine):
That’s the thing. I have no problem whatsoever with women deciding to take their husband’s names. But the way things stand right now, culturally and in most states, legally, a man taking his wife’s name is not really a viable option–and men are very rarely asked to even consider that choice.
Which is why I cringe a bit when I hear women say, “Well, I just liked the idea of us both having the same last name,” or “I just want to have the same last name as my kids.” Well, did you and your fiance consider both taking your name? Did you consider blending both your last names or making up a new one? No, in 99 percent of cases, of course not. Don’t be silly, only a woman can change her name when she gets married.
And that’s what bothers me, right there, even if I don’t think changing your name makes you a bad feminist: the thought of a couple choosing any name other than his is still weird. To the point where it doesn’t even occur to most people.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for blogging about this.
I agree with Kate in “the thought of a couple choosing any name other than his is still weird. To the point where it doesn’t even occur to most people.”
The parts of the discussion that drive me nuts are these:
1. The assumption not only about names, but also about marriage, that tradition is good.
2. The lack of recognition by both sides that there’s a legal process to change your name to anything you want, but that it’s been streamlined in this one instance of marriage. Mr. Bijon’s experience was likely the very same experience as a gay couple who wanted to share last names. Why’s that discussion missing? (Luckily, it wasn’t missing from the CA legislature and the law that allows husbands to take their wives names also allows civil unions to include renaming.)
3. Why the preference that family members share a last name? There’s no reason to think it’s best to share a name except tradition and culture. The best argument for having one last name is social acceptance. And well, that’s a crappy reason.
Thanks for the comments Elaine.
Tradition can be a good thing – depending on the context. I don’t think marriage is a “good tradition.” Marriage is a discriminatory institution. Gay and lesbian couples do not have the option to marry. Therefore, they do NOT have access to the same legal rights. That is not okay.
I have always felt like a bad activist for getting married and participating in a such a discriminatory institution. Unfortunately, in the U.S. marriage is the only legal option for folks. I do my best to support friends who are gay or lesbian – people who are fighting for the same legal rights entitled to heterosexual couples.
The name change issue is just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to the institution of marriage.
Blending or creating a new name is an option – not something folks have to do. I like my name, so I kept it. What bothers me is the underlying assumption that women have to give up their name, identify, etc. when they get married.
At some level, I think we all want to be accepted by peers, friends, and family. I don’t think it is easy to dismiss social pressure or cultural reasons when it comes to changing your name or marriage in general.