Sitting still or being silent is often frowned upon. American’s are taught to always be busy, to be doing something. As a result, I don’t think people deal with their feelings in healthy ways, especially when it comes to loneliness. Rather than dealing with the cause of a feeling we distract ourselves by running out to the store to buy something, turning on the TV, or drinking alcohol. It temporarily eases discomfort, but doesn’t deal with the underlying issue.
Humans are social animals. We crave connection and companionship. It’s natural and important. I think blogs and social media platforms foster amazing connections. However, I don’t think these tools replace face-to-face communication. Meeting a friend for a coffee date is a much different experience than talking on facebook or twitter. Although the internet has connected many of us together, are we really connecting or are we becoming more lonely?
Below are 8 simple tips to help you overcome loneliness. The tips will force you to get out from behind your computer screen.
1. Go ride your bike.
As you know I’m a huge fan of riding my bike. It’s relaxing, fun, and a great way to see your surroundings. For example, on Friday night I’m attending an Art by Bike tour in Portland. I’ve gone on art walks before, but an art by bike tour will be completely different and fun!
Micro-action: Plan a fun biking adventure with friends or family. For example, go on an art by bike tour, picnic in the park or take a tour of your local coffee shops.
2. Write in your journal.
Writing is a powerful tool. It can help you identify many different types of feelings, including loneliness. If you’re feeling lonely, start writing. Get your emotions out on paper and start asking yourself how you can create a feeling of connection in your life. Focus on the important.
Micro-action: If you don’t have a journal, I highly recommend purchasing one. Use it to write down your ideas, feelings and action items to foster reflection and make your life better.
3. Cook a real meal.
Cooking a good meal can be a meditative experience. It’s a great opportunity to mull over thoughts and lose yourself in a recipe. Cooking a real meal is also a perfect excuse to find a dinner date. I don’t know about you, but I feel lonely when I eat alone. Making dinner for a friend or loved on is the perfect way to create a meaningful connection.
In addition, Michael Pollan talks about the importance of NOT eating alone. Eating with a friend is more fun. You’re more likely to eat slower and less.
Micro-action: Do you cook real meals regularly? If not, make that part of your routine. If you’re looking for simple and easy recipes subscribe to Stone Soup: Minimalist Home Cooking.
4. Take photographs.
Taking photos is a way to notice the details of life. Whenever I walk around with my camera and take photos I get into a zone. I notice the little things, like the morning dew on flowers or a beautiful sunset. For some reason this makes me feel less alone. The world is alive with beauty and has so much to offer. We just have to slow down long enough to notice.
Micro-action: If you own a camera, take it everywhere and start taking photos. If you don’t own a camera try sketching in your journal.
5. Connect with your community.
There are so many ways you can connect with your community, from volunteering to attending city meetings. A few nights ago I attended a city budget forum. I was hesitant to attend, but I’m glad I did. I met some amazing community activists, I met the mayor and learned a great deal about the Portland community.
Micro-action: What are you doing in your community to make the world a better place? Do you sit on committees, volunteer at local organizations or mentor youth?
6. Read a good book.
Go to your library and pick up a good book. Reading is a great way to escape into another world or glean creative ideas for your latest project. I spend a lot of time in libraries and books stores. It’s a frugal way to educate yourself, be inspired and a healthy way to use your time.
Micro-action: If you don’t have a library card, go get one and start reading. Make a personal goal to read a book a week. If reading a book a week seems too overwhelming, try reading one book per month.
7. Be still and do nothing.
Supposedly being “busy” is a sign of success in this culture. I’m not sure that’s true. Why are we all in such a hurry? Do we really create beautiful art if we we’re rushing from place to place? And if everyone is so busy, how do we create meaningful connections with others?
Slow down, take your time and start to take your time. Rushing from place to place can be counterproductive. Being busy can sometimes erode our sense of purpose causing us to feel undervalued and lonely.
Micro-actions: Set aside 10 minutes a day for meditation. If you have over-committed yourself to meetings or projects, consider re-prioritizing what’s important to you.
8. Set-up a coffee or tea date with a friend.
I have to admit that I’ve been a little lonely the last month. It’s weird not having Logan in Portland and I miss him. At the same time being by myself has forced me out of my comfort zone and that’s a good thing. It also makes me appreciate Logan and my friends even more.
Since I’m by myself, I’ve been getting together with new friends for coffee and dinner dates. It’s been a great way to connect with others and get out of my apartment. Plus, I’m seeing more of Portland.
Micro-action: Call a friend and schedule a coffee or dinner date.
Leave a comment and tell me how do you deal with loneliness.
***
Spread the love. If this post helped you, please retweet it and share the content with others. Thanks!
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
This is such a good post, Tammy. I love the Art by Bike tour and wish there was one here. Hmmm… I could always help organize one and also incorporate tip #5.
I’ve used these ideas before to add depth and meaning to my everyday life. And they do help with loneliness. Back in one of my single periods I framed my motto in a picture frame where I could see it: Alone, But Not Lonely.
And suddenly I have this strange urge for pancakes…
@Chris – thanks! Glad u liked it. Ohhh u should totally organize an Art By Bike tour in your town. That would rock!
And I love the idea of framing a quote or something meaningful that you see everyday. Words are powerful.
Volunteering.
Not only did I meet people I had things in common with, I made a connection to the new place I was living. It also helped me land a new job and some of the people I met through volunteering when I moved to Portland all those years ago (’96!) I am still close to.
Wow, I think I got caught int this post. I usually deal with loneliness by meditation, but lately I’m becoming more social. i have been reconnecting with old friends, making new ones at work and so on. All these actions have pushed me out of my comfort zone since I have been known for being a bit anti-social in the past.
So far I think I still have to go out more, there is no point of studying all day and try to build something if I can’t share it so that is being a bit of a focus right now. I definitely will try your suggestions tip No. 8 will be a goal for the following days!
Thanks for sharing Tammy!
Hey Tammy, you hit on so many topics that interest me on your blog.
It’s sad that so many people don’t know how to be alone. I’ve been writing a Black Book called How To Be Alone and a couple of the activities you describe are what I call Solo Social Events. Things you can do by yourself but in social environments. One of my favorites is going to the movies alone. While a movie is playing you’re not going to talk to your friends anyway, right? So why not go alone if you don’t have anybody to go with when you want to go? It also gives you an excuse to talk to random strangers about the movie after it’s over.
Thanks for another great post!
Karol
@Karol – thank you.
I appreciate the good feedback.
Your “black book” sounds intriguing. I’m doing a solo social event tonight. The Pearl District has an art walk the first Thursday of every month. It will be fun to go check out art and just be around other art lovers.
Great post as usual Tammy!
I read something not too long ago about how if instead of finding ways to cover up our loneliness and depression (like shopping or incessantly talking) and actually truly experienced these emotions we would be a happier society overall. You know, like if you’re depressed, don’t go throw yourself off a bridge, feel your depression find out where it’s coming from and do something to change it. I don’t know if that would actually work but I do know that if I’m sad or lonely, it usually means I’ve stepped off my correct path and am now travelling down a back ally full of dangers
Kinda like the “you’re getting warmer” game I used to play when I was a kid.
Awesome post! I have two kids, so I think when people look at that they think I could never be lonely. But unfortunately I am just as susceptible as anyone else (hence the amount of time I spent of Facebook on some days)! I think lots of people are lonely in a crowded room. I think the key is true connections with people who make us feel important or can have a honest conversation. Ten minutes of an honest conversation is worth more for my sanity than an hour of a superficial one. I like to read too and this helps when I have the time. If my friends arnt available (which happens when all my friends available during the day have kids too and are busy that day or have sick kids) I load the kids up and we go to the park, it is amazing how many awesome conversations I have had with parents I don’t know. I am not shy though so I don’t mind starting conversations with strangers
When it is raining and I am lonely, instead of being tempted by going somewhere that requires a fee on entry we go to the library for story time or Barns and Noble to the kids section. There are lots of things to do with kids for free that don’t require money at all and combat lonely feelings.
@Tina – I think we’re all susceptible to loneliness, whether we have cute kids or not. I would assume that it’s hard being home with the kids and not have other adults to talk too during the day?
Your strategies for overcoming loneliness are awesome.
Hugs to u…
Some of my best friends live over seas. I love to go and visit them, we go on bike rides through Berlin to coffee shops and shopping trips. Some of your best friends can be made online. But that doesn’t mean that’s where it should stop. Making friends where you live is just as important.
@Meira – I agree. I’ve made incredible connection through the internet. It’s an amazing tool. I just think it’s a tool that needs to be balanced with face time too.
I didn’t realize you didn’t have Logan with you yet.
I need to at least introduce you electronically to a couple of the other cool peeps I met in Portland. Will try to hook you up on Facebook. 
@Steph – that would be lovely.
Yeah – no Logan yet. He’s still working on the dissertation. I’m hoping he’ll be up by the end of March for good. But he’ll probably still be writing the evil dissertation.
I love option number 1. Just yesterday, my boyfriend and I rode our bikes to a local outdoor chess set and had a wintery picnic with hot chocolate and played chess. Super fun.
I’m pretty lucky. I live in a fairly small college town and was part of the sci-fi club for several years. Even though some of my cohort has moved on, others have stayed on so occasionally I see people at work or run into people randomly around town. And if I get lonely, I can always go to the club meetings held every week.
Almost 5 years ago, we picked up our family and moved to Eastern Washington…where we knew absolutely no one. Superman quickly got a job and my children were enrolled in school immediately and I was home…alone…with no one I knew in a city I was unfamiliar with. Did I mention I was 42? Looking back, I’ll say this was a terribly difficult time for me. Everyone else slipped into a ready-made place in our new hometown, but I didn’t. I was different. I was from a huge city and people had a lot preconceived ideas about me. It ended up, however, being the best time of my life (inside my head…not better than marrying Superman or having my kids, you know?). I was able to finally let go of all the “shoulds” and all the scripts for a life that didn’t fit that I’d been following up until that point. All the things you recommend: Get physical, cook at home, be still, look around (take photographs meets this to me), put yourself out there, slow down, and best of all: use the time by yourself to design the life you want…not the life you SHOULD want. Oh, I know I’m not even close to there yet, but the past four years have been the best yet. I think we need more time to be alone and to feel loneliness…if we use it correctly, it helps us get our heads on straight.
P.S. Thanks for both of you commenting back to me about your move. I’m still thinking about your responses…so much to think about.
Hey Tammy,
It was great meeting you last night on the Art by Bike tour. I don’t think anyone expected it to continue for the rest of the night and it was really fun to get to connect with people from the tour. I think you will really enjoy Portland and you are making a great start by getting out and meeting people. Have a great weekend!
Cheers,
Hayden
@Hayden – It was great meeting you! I’m so glad that I went on the Art by Bike tour. I had such a good time.
We’ll have to connect again and have a beer. And you can meet Logan. 
Thanks for writing such a great and (for me) timely post. About seven months ago I moved away from my home and my fiance for grad school, and it’s taken me almost just as long to realize that I actually am lonely, and that as great as Skype and Facebook are, they aren’t a perfect replacement. Thanks for all of your suggestions on ways to deal with it – I can definitely vouch for the photography tip – I found it’s really made me more conscious of everything, like you said. As for the other tips – I’m looking forward to trying them out
@Janet – I’m glad the post helped you! Best of luck and thanks for reading the blog.
I also recommend expanding your social network through sites like meetup. In the last few years, I’ve had some dramatic changes in my friend circle, which has severely dwindled my circle of close friends. I live in a city where it’s hard to meet people, so I’ve started going to some meetup groups, and it’s been a good solution to feeling lonely. I’m meeting new people and going to events, and I like that.
{ 1 trackback }