“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.” ~Buddha
Political discussions can spark very heated debates and a lot of venom. About five years ago, my Dad and I had one of these intense discussions. And that exchange led to a whole lot of trouble. It felt like we were throwing rotten apples at each other, but the apples were being sent over email. As a result, my Dad and I didn’t talk for about 4 years. Looking back, the falling-out had more to do with my emotional baggage that had never been addressed.
Late last year, I decided to try and reconnect with my Dad. So far we’ve been talking on the phone every few weeks and are working on reconstructing our relationship. I’m not going to discuss the “why’s” or the details of our story because this isn’t the forum and I know my Dad wouldn’t appreciate it. The larger point of this article is all about addressing difficult situations and broken relationships by practicing forgiveness.
So what is forgiveness and why doesn’t it matter?
“. . . truly forgiving someone involves contemplating the injury at some length while forgetting the injury would make that process rather difficult.” ~Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky
For me, forgiveness doesn’t mean I’m excusing unacceptable behaviors. It’s something I do for myself, not for the person who hurt me. Interesting, research has shown that forgiving people are happier and healthier and are less likely to be depressed, anxious, neurotic and angry.
If you’ve been thinking about forgiving someone in your life, the following ideas will help get you started.
1. Write in your journal.
Writing in a journal can be cathartic. I write either in my Moleskin or at the 750 words website to clear my head. A lot of my writing in both of these places isn’t very coherent. The medium gives me an opportunity to process my feelings and not worry about what other people will think.
Lately, I’ve been writing forgiveness letters in my journal. The letters are to my Dad and friends that I’m no longer in touch with. And I have to say, it’s helped me let go of my anger and judgments.
A lot of folks have told me that “I’m so nice.” But I don’t how true that is. I have a temper and I have a tendency to hold onto grudges, especially when my feelings are hurt. Usually, my initial response is to cut the person out of my life completely. Thanks to all of my writing, this behavior pattern is starting to change.
Micro-action: Write a forgiveness letter in your journal and think about sending it to a friend or loved one.
2. Ruminate Less.
I’ve talked a lot about how I’m a huge worry-wort. Worrying is something I’m trying to get out of my system. It’s not easy and it requires practice, but it’s worth it. I’m happier when I’m not worrying about writing or what other people think of me. And it’s a whole lot easier to forgive someone when I’m not worrying about a particular problem.
Dr. Lyubomirsky says that rumination is a “considerable barrier to forgiveness. People who brood or obsess over a transgression are more likely to hold onto their hurt and anger and are less motivated to forgive.”
Micro-action: If you’re dealing with a problem that’s causing you to worry, take action to solve that problem. Identify one or two small steps you can take today. Maybe this means making a phone call, contacting a therapist or writing down a list of solutions that can solve the problem.
3. Practice Empathy.
Empathy is defined as: “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
I wish there was a little more empathy in this world. So many of the current discussions, particularly in politics, have sunk to this:
“You’re wrong. I’m right. That’s the end of the discussion.”
This mantra touches all sides of the political spectrum. There is no dialogue anymore. In a lot of ways, this cultural trend has spilled into our personal relationships. Having difficult discussions are not easy. For instance, admitting that I had a role to play in the falling-out with my father sucks. It’s embarrassing and something I don’t like to admit. But it’s true.
At it’s core, whether we’re talking about relationships or politics, we have to be accountable for our behavior and also learn how to cultivate empathy and practice forgiveness. Without these core practices, meaningful discussions are stifled and that doesn’t help anyone.
Micro-action: Watch Jeremy Rifkin’s Ted Talk on “the empathic civilization”
4. Imagine Forgiveness.
You’re probably thinking, “Wow, is she serious? Imagining forgiveness sounds incredibly cheesy.”
Research has shown that practicing empathy and forgiving thoughts can led to less sadness, anger and “less reactivity in terms of physiological stress responses (such as a lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, and less furrowed brows.)”
In others words, studies have shown that those who practice empathy and forgiveness can experience less stress.
Micro-action: Think of a person who has wronged you in some way and imagine forgiving that person. Maybe it’s a mother or father who abandoned you or has been extremely mean and hurtful. As you image your conversation, think about what you would say, the emotions you’d feel and what your facial expression would look like. You might be surprised be the side emotional and physical side effect of this exercise.
Make Forgiveness a Habit
Dr. Lyubomirsky suggests making forgiveness a daily habit because it will make you happier and healthier. And she’s right. There is a lot of empirical evidence to back up this assertion.
Above all forgiveness is something you have to do for yourself. Some acts are unforgivable and inexcusable. And just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have be reconstruct the relationship. It means you choose to let anger go and focus on a more peaceful perspective in your life.
As I rebuild my relationship with my Dad, I’m going to make forgiveness a habit and start letting go of anger, bitterness, and resentment.
{ 38 comments }
So much good advice here, Tammy! Thank you for sharing this.
The most sobering thought for me about forgiveness is that someone may be working just as hard to forgive you as you are to forgive them .
I’m a grudge-holding nice person. I’m trying to forgive so many people but the list just seems to be growing longer and longer. Oprah said it well when she said “forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different.” I believe this definition may be one of the most healing of all. A lot of people feel that forgiveness is moving beyond the other person’s behavior, as if nothing is inexcusable, but I can’t buy that. If you excuse people, they will continue to act inexcusably.
So I’m still working on it. Good for you for working on it with your dad. I know how hard it can be.
I love quotes: Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. – Bruce Lee
My reconnection story started when I admitted to myself that I was wrong. Then I went to the person and begged for forgiveness. Pride is a terrible beast, that restricts forward progress.
Hello Tammy,
This is my first time to write to you and your website. I was recently introduced to your blog through USAToday. You have great advice! I am learning from you lots and reflecting on my own internal happiness. Yes! As I donated materials that I did not use for a while recently, I feel that I am regaining much bigger something. Forgiveness is one of actions to be in that state of mind as well. I feel that forgiveness seems to be harder than cleaning personal belongings. Thank you, Tammy. I am looking forward to reading your blog;)
I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness and it seems to be discussed a lot in blogs/columns lately, too. I think your actions are very helpful tips. Number 3 is especially important — I agree that our culture is losing that important quality of empathy. We must work to preserve it!
Thanks for an important post!
–Liz @ Creative Liberty
good for you.
to tackle this while your dad is still here.
i can feel the healing even thru the email.
best regards
Tammy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I too didn’t speak to my dad, for a year. As I began to process the anger I had against him, I discovered so much about myself. We are also working on patching our relationship now. For me, forgiveness is synonymous with letting go. I finally got to a place where I was able to let go of the past, and then forgiveness came naturally. I try now to repeat the mantra “just let go” in my daily life, so that I will never get to the point again where I am unable to talk with someone because of the anger and un-forgiveness I have against them. I feel a tangible weight lifted bodily off my spirit and I’m so thankful.
Great post Tammy!
I am enjoying hearing about your journey of reconnecting with your loved one and learning about empathy and forgiveness. I’ve been following your blog here and there for a while now- and I get the sense that we are kindred spirits- you are often writing about subjects that I have also been exploring.
For example-I finished reading Brene Brown’s book right before you posted about it.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been learning about empathy through my study of non violent communication (also sometimes called compassionate communication)- I wonder if you’ve explored this area yet?
My sense is that the skills of NVC would give you the tools to help you to worry less, empathise with yourself and the people in your life and reach forgiveness.
I really enjoy MIki and Inbal Kashtan’s work ( here is a video of Inbal talking about empathy and her work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65sBrjfZP6c ).
Is NVC something that you’ve explored already? I am curious to know. Are you willing to tell me if my comment was helpful to you? I’d also love to hear how.
@Clelie – Thanks for the thoughtful comment and resources! I have explored NVC. I’ve been to trainings on this topic. When I worked at a local rape crisis center, we used a lot of NVC principle when working with clients and when problems with staff arose. However, this is something I want to revisit. I haven’t thought about this topic in years! So thank you for bringing it up.
Hi Tammy; Another great post. I think Ahava and you should meet and talk some day. So many parallels. G
@Greg – That would be lovely. If you are ever in Portland, let’s meet-up for tea or coffee. We can chit chat about yoga, meditation and more. Have a great week!
Hi, For 20 years I had a relationship with my sister that was volatile. Anger and blame and you did I did.
2 years ago I decided that I no longer wanted a relationship with her. I wasn’t angry there was no incident that sparked this decision other than I no longer wanted this dysfunctional relationship in my life anymore.I care for her safety and well-being and when I think about her its with compassion and its been one of the best choices in my life, I feel free. Thank you for a wonderful blog.
I agree that to forgive another is really a gift for yourself. When we harness anger and resentment towards somebody, in can seep into and take over our entire lives, becoming a constant focus in our mind. And for what, pride? Unfortunately pride is so over-cultivated in this country and it’s leading to a culture of superiority and narcissism. Maybe if we each, as individuals, begin practicing forgiveness in our personal lives it can begin to work its way into the political arena and we can begin having real, cooperative relationships abroad.
Excellent post!! Good luck on your relationship with you dad.
I try to remember I have my own failings so I try not to judge others in theirs. I find it may be just a part of my personality as my sister says she is a firm believer that there has to be justice and I just don’t see the same. So some of us will have to work harder at forgiveness and others of us (like me) will have to work harder to see the emotional needs of others (maybe that’s empathy?). We all have to keep working at ourselves our whole lives long. I hope you mend the fence with your dad and you two become friends again.
Thanks Timaree! That’s my hope as well. Our phone conversations have been fantastic and I have a feeling the trend will continue.
This really is very beneficial, many years back I wrote letters to family members and kept them, really does help to vent your feelings but improves relationship with those family members. Helps you with being able to forgive others and be happier with yourself.
Tammy,
Last week your ABCs post mentioned the status of your relationship with your dad and I had to take a day to work through some of the feelings your brief comments evoked in me due to the truly heartbreaking (for me) status of my extended family relationships. I spent time that evening with my husband at the coast sharing your post with him and, to be honest crying my way through the thoughts and feelings it brought up. We, as you can probably tell, were touched by your transparency and willingness to share aspects of your life that reach a place in some of us readers that needs to be examined, reassessed or healed. If I were in Portland I’d be looking you up to give you a hug in person for what you’ve shared and for the encouragement its been to me clear over in the islands. I know I am not alone in this so I’m sending you a group hug from Hawaii. Mahalo again for sharing your journey, for acknowledging the growth in your life that in turn becomes a catalyst for growth in others. Even as I process the strong possibility that my parents and I may never have a restored relationship (previously abusive); as I shared with you before; I believe forgiveness is imminently worth it, even on this side of the pain and betrayal. It sets the forgiver free to live and love.
@Gena – Thank you for the Mahalo hugs and the thoughtful comment. It made my morning a whole lot brighter.
Thanks for reading.
another aspect of forgiveness is knowing how and when to forgive *yourself*. this is a huge step in setting yourself free. give yourself permission to forgive your own failings and mistakes. and permission to accept your own forgiveness as well. as with all meaningful things, it is an ongoing process; make it a part of your consciousness each and every day.
thank you for sharing your thoughts
@Amanda – That is such a good point! I should have added that to my list. I’ll have to do a post on that topic soon.
Love the quote from the Buddha. Love the talk about the empathic civilization. Love the video recommended by one of the commentators re nonviolent communication. Lots of encouraging energy here, and food for thought. Glad you’re reconnecting with your dad. Mine died before we could. Lots of hugs Tammy; your blog continues to inspire, encourage and challenge me. As an artist and litterateur, that means you’re doing a fine job, at least by reckoning. Hugs!~~thirteencats.blogspot.com
I am guilty of holding onto grudges and not being able to discuss my feelings as well. I have a hard time opening up to people at times, i hold in the anger and I explode on my family the most.
It gets so bad that Ive cut out several people from my life just because i could not express my true feelings. These people meant a lot to me if I could go back I would definitely not have acted the way i did. It’s horrible, and I’m working on it. On the bright side I do look back and see the error of my ways and I try not to impose those bad vibes on new friends. What also definitely helps me is journaling. I always feel better after I write my introspective feelings down on paper.
Thank you for this story,
J.
Well done Tammy!
Unfortunately, I think one of my previous “superpowers” was rumination. Not to be too boastful here, but I was REALLY good at it. Thankfully, I can say that I ruminate much less now. For me I had to ask myself the questions, “Why am I holding onto all of this?” For me the answer was that I was worried that if I forgave and let it go, I would go right back into the situation, tolerate abusive behavior and I’d be stuck. The anger and rumination was like a protection against it. And it DID work….with a huge cost to my personal well-being.
Now, I realize that I can set boundaries with clarity and consistency without having to be angry and bitter about it. Interestingly, one family member couldn’t handle the new boundaries and we’ve chosen to end our relationship (sad, but necessary). Another family member and are moving forward in a positive way with much greater respect for each other and what the other needs.
I couldn’t let go of my anger until I had something else to grab onto – clarity and the willingness to set boundaries….
Despite the apparent contradiction, boundaries actually allow me to be more vunerable and open in relationships. I feel now that if I share something personal and sensitive, it will be met with greater understanding (or at least effort!) by the other person. Also, as others try hard to be respectful, it holds me accountable to do the same!
Best wishes on your forgiveness journey….
When I read your post I felt something like, I don’t know. guilt/shame I suppose. People think I am nice (I believe, anyway) and open and non judgmental. But I have problems, big ones, with forgiveness. I tend to hold grudges when I am hurt badly. Not obvious, open ones. No. On the surface I forgive. But the veneer is thin, and something can set off a chain event of passive aggressive behavior on my part that I not only do not like but reminds me of all the things I find hard to forgive in others. I appreciate you bringing up these points because I know I have work to do. More than I have done, at least.
Tammy I’d like to share how I learned to forgive. An older lady shared this method with me long ago, and at first I doubted that it would be effective. She told me that I should say a little silent prayer for the person who had wronged me twice a day asking that they be blessed with all the blessings that I would want to have for myself. She told me that it didn’t matter if I didn’t mean it or even if I had to pray through gritted teeth. She claimed that if I followed her directive, by the end of three weeks, I would find that I truly did wish the person well and would have forgiven them completely. I’m not a religious person so didn’t think this would work for me, but I did it anyway. It worked! I’ve used it in the years since whenever necessary, and it has worked beautifully every single time.
Very well written.
A possible addition: remember I am not the center of the universe and most (all) of my actions are quite incidental.
Tammy, I’ve been reading your blog for several months, and this is the first time I am commenting. I LOVE riding bicycles and I feel lucky that I’ve found your website.
I am also happy for you that you are working things out with your dad. After all it’s family.
I come from a big family with 7 older siblings. I am the youngest daughter. I paid for my own colledge tuition through working part-time, student loans, and some scholarship. When I graduated from colledge, I saved enough to buy a small townhouse, and I took my parents to live with me. One of my older siblings, yeah oldest brother (actually oldest SON! – notice the exclaimation) was not doing well financially, so my parents asked me to help him even though I was in debt myself (student loan and small townhouse.) My parents went to all my other siblings, but they had their own family and financial problems, blah blah blah, at the time, I was single (20 something),so they turned to me! I thought it was not fair, but I felt really bad for my oldest brother since he did help us out in the beginning, so I took a HELOC to lend him $20K!!!!!!!! Ok, that was alright, so I thought, later on, another brother was in financial problem, and I was asked again! I felt annoyed!
I LOVE my parents NO MATTER what!, but sometimes I feel that it’s not fair to me. I did not get any help to get my education, why am I the one to save everyone in the family?! Now I think about it, no matter what, at the end it’s all about the family.
Anyway, I spoke with some friends/colleagues, and they say I had it better, because they were pressured so much by their parents to help their siblings. It almost always turns out the parents always ask the daughters to help out the sons who are in trouble!!!!
Another colleague told me that she and her sisters took care of their mom for many years, yet now the mom gives all her real estate assets (two houses in the states) to the youngest son who’s actually the weathiest in the family. He makes more than any of his sisters, but the mom decides to give him everything even though he hardly helps taking care of her.. . .I so despise that mentality!!!! urgh!
When my parents passed away, it was time for revenge, so I let out all my bottled-up angers on my brother-siblings (not sisters,) and they thought I was having some split personality or something, because I was becoming this really scary and mean person. At some point, I could not even recognize myself from feeling angry, and I made sure they knew of it!
Then I realized that if I am always angry with my brothers, then my parents would not rest in peace. I LOVE my parents dearly and I want them to be in peace, so I am making peace with my siblings. . .
I should’ve forgiven them (brothers,) because it’s not their fault, I should’ve also blamed myself, because I let my emotion set in too feel bad, and I did not stand my ground. . .
So now I am starting to get in touch with my brothers, . . .because after all we are a family no matter what. One brother is almost done paying, and the other is still working on it! after at least 6 freaking years, with inflation, I am not getting back the value that I lent them (I don’t charge interest either!)
I am Happy Now!
Oh dear one, I’m sad for the loss you and he have had over the last 5 years. Your maturity regarding the situation is apparent in your ability to address that it is likely due to your own psychological fortitude. I happen to believe that we were born into baggage and with baggage we remain. But I think that’s a most beautiful aspect of minimalism (my favorite in fact)–that we must continually engage and endure the difficult work to sloth off all of the psychological baggage that we can, knowing more is to come, and knowing the process never ends, but that it (the work) and we can transform and evolve. Your efforts are respected. And blessings to your relationship with your Father.
“The distance from another is the distance from ourselves.” – Richard Moss
In my opinion we can truly forgive others only to the extent we can (and do) forgive ourselves. Anything we begrudge in ourselves will come up as shadow energy in our interactions with others.
Thank you for an inspiring post, I will implement your suggestions as of right now
Jonas
I struggle with forgiveness a lot. I also tend to ruminate and that makes it hard to create space for forgiveness. One thing that I have learned though, is that often when I am struggling with forgiving someone else, it is very much tied to how I am not forgiving MYSELF. For example, I am mad at someone for treating me poorly, but deep down I am even more mad at me for allowing myself to become vulnerable to that person. Once I forgive myself, it becomes much easier to forgive someone else.
I had a relationship with my father that was similar where we didn’t talk for a very long time. Then I did one thing – and this I now do with everyone.
I accepted him.
That’s it. He is as he is. The rest is my shit.
… and since then everything has been fine
Tammy, darling! it’s been so long since i’ve weighed in but this topic is very near and dear to my heart right now, i just had to.
everything is experienced on the personal level. and i think, to truly forgive means forgiving yourself for allowing another person or situation to affect you and allowing yourself to move forward. because in the end, it comes down to you, and you make the choices that put you in whatever position you are in. you are the ultimate creative force. it’s your life.
p.s. i LOVE what you’ve done with the blog
I tend not to hold grudges, except against myself. For the most inane things. Things I should have done. Or said. Things I shouldn’t have done or said. I need to come to grips with the fact I’m not perfect and don’t need to be. Forgiveness is really a choice, and a freeing way of life.
I’ve come back to this post because seriously I need to read it at this time. I know that to hold a grudge only ultimately affects the person holding it. It is so hard for someone like me because I am very compassionate, and also aspire to live a life of harmony. The problem I encounter is not when I am so much the aggrieved, but someone else. My integrity and honesty means that I can encounter situations where I do not agree with someone’s behaviour, but due to their inability to acknowledge what they have done (I don’t mean admit blame – rather just hold their hands up) I find it eats me up. I am trying to find a way to completely forgive (I do try so hard) but I just do not know if it is possible with no acknowledgement of the injustice. It concerns me that it perpetuates their awful behaviour further. Any advice anyone?
Jo,
I think I’ve felt what you’re describing. The grudges and anger that I find hardest to let go of are the ones I feel toward a person who has hurt someone I care about. I don’t have any real advice, except to say that in the end we’re only accountable for ourselves – and we’re so much more capable of changing ourselves than changing other people. So if you want to forgive but are concerned that it will perpetuate someone else’s bad pattern of action, do remember that you’re only accountable for you. If the best thing you can do for your own conscience or well-being is forgive (and for my part, I find that it generally is), I say go for it!
I have a dual issue with trying to forgive those that annoy me. I am a teacher who cannot stand to be around students that are “needy.” I also have a partner that is “needy” as well. The whole “needy” thing annoys me and I view the other person as being weak. I am trying to understand why it bothers me so much and how to deal with it. I need help forgiving those that want my attention so much. Sometimes it drains me and it makes me react in a negative way. I don’t want to hurt their feelings but ultimately I want them to get away from me and leave me alone. My relationship is suffering and I am considering changing jobs. I don’t think that is the solution because I believe that these types of people are all over and I will always have contact with them. Please help! I want to be a loving girlfriend and teacher.
@Dani – Have you read The How of Happiness or Buddha’s Brain? Those two books have been very helpful for me. I think you might find some answer there. Best of luck!